The Query Letter That Got Me An Agent
January 28, 2023
It seems there are certain things that one simply does after they get an agent. Write a How I Got My Agent post, share their querying stats, share the highs and lows of their querying journey—and I always enjoy reading all of the above but the one that I found to be the most helpful when I was trying to figure out what the heck I should be doing . . . was seeing real life examples of query letters that worked.
There is so much advice out there on how to write a good query letter, so I’m really not going to go into that. Others with far more experience than me have said it far better than I could. But I will offer you one little test you can run on your own query to see if it passes. This tip was provided to me by one of my betas and I think it really helped to strengthen my pitch. Because let me tell you, whilst my final query letter is far from perfect, the first version was truly terrible and I pity the poor agents who got it in my early rounds of querying!
To do the test, look at the one to two paragraphs which form the ‘blurb’ portion of your query letter, and see if—just from extracting or highlighting lines of text from your letter—you can easily answer the following questions. Or better yet, hand your query to a friend and ask them what they think the answers are.
Who is the MC?
What do they want?
What is getting in their way?
What is going to happen, if they don’t succeed?
Otherwise, why not play along below—because without further ado, please enjoy the query letter that helped me crawl my way out of the querying trenches.
Dear [Agent’s Name],
I am currently seeking representation for my novel, DANCE OF THE UNVEILED, a Young Adult Fantasy which is complete at 90,000 words.
Eighteen-year-old Evelina’s dream of dancing on the King’s Stage is shattered when she discovers that beneath the glitter and tulle of the Royal Dance Company, lies a deadly secret—they’re raising an army to kill the king.
Having learnt that their dancers, the Unveiled, are training as spies, assassins, and soldiers, Evelina must choose between accepting a place amongst them or being cast out upon the brutal streets of Hadersmith. Despite no desire to risk her neck for the rebellion, Evelina finds herself unable to let go of her dream, taking her place amongst the Unveiled.
In exchange for a featured role on the stage, Evelina agrees to spy on the king’s out of favour stepson, the fallen prince. But when the king unleashes the enchantments of a powerful mage upon the Company’s forces, Evelina can no longer ignore the increasingly real threat of capture, and death, that lie in her discovery. In learning she might hold the key to the Company’s survival Evelina must decide if she is willing to risk her life to find the king’s mage, preserve the Company’s secret and protect the life she once dreamed of.
The visual landscape of PHANTOM OF THE OPERA and Victoria Aveyard’s RED QUEEN rebellion vibes—but with a unique balletic twist—DANCE OF THE UNVEILED melds the thrill of action and espionage with the intrigue of a dangerous court, a dash of magic, and the passion of a dancer who dares to dream.
When not writing, I work as a copywriter and content creator for small to medium retailers around Australia, whilst partaking in the high-stakes lifestyle of trying to keep my precocious toddler from jumping off every high piece of furniture.
As per your submission guidelines, please find included the first [X] pages of the manuscript for your review. The full or partial manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.
Yours Sincerely,
[Me]
Is it perfect? Absolutely not. I have complete faith yours is going to be so much better! My comps especially are a bit iffy on reflection. With Phantom of the Opera I was trying to find something that conveyed the theatre and performance vibes in contrast to the more modern expectations I was worried might crop up when I said the words ‘Dance Company’. I wanted to convey fire lit footlights along wooden pully-system stages and more of an olden day, romantic feel. I’ve tried to say that with ‘the visual landscape of’, but alas I think that for most people when you say Phantom of the Opera their mind goes to gothic horror and/or romance—which is completely fair but also not particularly accurate of my novel. And then there is Red Queen which is subjectively naughty. At the time I queried, this book had come out 7 years prior (most advice you will read will say to comp titles published in the last 5, if not the last 2 years) and it’s also a HUGE bestseller (also a no-no for setting up reasonable expectations.) However, I do feel it’s a very accurate comp in terms of conveying the plot, and many of the themes, which is why I ended up sticking with it . . . and thankfully I guess a few agents didn’t mind. But if I had to do it all again, I would likely leave off comp titles all together.
If you’re after more examples of real world query letters Queryletter.com is a great resource or if you’re using Query Tracker you’ll often find a few under an agent’s profile, in the Success Story Interviews section.
